One Man’s Shock At His Adult Children’s Neglect When He Needed Them

One Man’s Shock At His Adult Children’s Neglect When He Needed Them

Mar 13, 2017 | aging, Alzheimer's disease, diminished cognition, elderly, finances for elders, handling money for aging parents, long term care, seniors finances

All his life Philip worked hard and was successful. He amassed wealth beyond expectations. He gave generously to all of his kids, buying them homes and bestowing money gifts. In fact giving kids money was the only way he really knew how to show he cared. Expressing love in other ways was not his thing. He and his wife lived a luxurious lifestyle: country club, exotic vacations, lavish parties, fancy cars. She ran the house and he ran the flourishing business.

It all looked great when he retired. Until his wife developed Alzheimer's disease. Things began to fall apart when he was78, with a wife becoming increasingly dependent and in need of care. He wasn't used to running the house. Things descended into disrepair. Then his vision got cloudy and his hearing started to go.

He expected his adult children to step up and be there. But entitled kids, used to having Dad hand them things without having to work for them, never did take much responsibility. If they needed something, Dad would just buy it for them. Now Dad needed more from them but none of them had ever learned about giving back. Communication was poor. If the conversation wasn't about money, no one had much to talk about.

Things broke down among the family members. They were never good at talking to each other or to their parents about anything of substance. Now that the parents were both in need of help they could not rely on their adult children to work on household management, or budgeting for care or doing needed repairs.

Philip found himself depressed. He looked at what he had created, all the wealth, all the things and somehow he felt a loss. Financial success had not led to family success.

But he decided to act. He decided that this part of his life was going to be meaningful before his end and he set to work.

He gathered his adult children in his home for a meeting. He was frank with them and revealed how sad and disappointed he felt. He revealed his fears, something he had never done. He told them he expected more from them. The kids looked at each other somewhat sheepishly. They admitted that they had been off in their own worlds. They told their father how much they wanted to be closer but just didn't know how. They asked him to be open to telling them he loved them. He asked them to express more caring by showing up and pitching in. The paid caregivers for the parents were great but they were not there all the time.

Agreements were made. Some stumbling and awkwardness happened at first. But as the next month passed, the kids finally started to show up with a schedule. And empty talk was replaced by family history, expressions of thanks and acknowledgment to each other of the changes they were making.

The last years for Philip were much better. He was able to express his feelings in ways he had never done before. Maybe age just made him not care about what people might think. It had a profound effect on his family. All of them grew closer, in spite of their differences. They learned to accept each other far better, led by Philip.

Philip passed away in peace at age 84. His story is one to share with any child who grew up in wealth and any parent who did not expect enough of the kids in a younger day. Adult children can learn to give more to parents as they age and become more vulnerable. Parents can learn to express love and affection apart from cash and objects. It's not too late in your advanced years to change for the better.

Carolyn Rosenblatt, RN, Elder Law Attorney, & Dr. Mikol Davis, Gerontologist co-founder of AgingInvestor.com

One Thing Advisors Should Never Do In Retirement Planning

One Thing Advisors Should Never Do In Retirement Planning

Mar 6, 2017 | aging, elderly, long term care

I recently saw an article about retirement planning, describing that one should consider where nursing home care is the most affordable and think about moving there. As if it were in the category of nicest cities to retire in or best recreational opportunities. I am appalled when I see these comments. For openers, no one I've ever met would choose a nursing home for long-term care if any other possible option were available. If a client can afford any other arrangement, try planning for that. Consider home care, adult day services, home health agencies and whatever long term care insurance can cover. Never tell them to plan for a nursing home.

There are of course good, well-run nursing homes where long-term care is delivered competently and with skill. Unfortunately there are a lot of other nursing homes where the opposite is true. In my opinion as one who has worked in them as an aide and an RN and who has sued a few as a lawyer, I can only urge caution. They can be dangerous places.

In our society, we do not have special nursing homes for elders who were, at an earlier time in life, convicted of serious crimes. We do not have special nursing homes for those who suffer from mental illness. If the resident does not have mental symptoms serious enough to be placed in a mental hospital, particularly if skilled nursing care is needed for physical conditions, the mentally ill elderly are in the same place as your Grandma, your client or anyone else. Many people with dementia are also cared for in nursing homes. Some have separate units for dementia care but others do not. There are behavior issues with these residents that can and do affect other residents.

Nursing homes are referred to as "skilled nursing facilities" (SNFs), long-term care facilities, rehab facilities and care homes. No matter what you call them, good care can happen and danger may lurk as well in any of them.

Planning for long term care is an essential part of planning for retirement. Nearly 70% of us are going to need that care at some point. If your client needs full time 24/7 care in the future, plan for the possibility of paying for it at home. Many aspects of care, including skilled care can be delivered through licensed home health agencies. Planning for a last resort that is risky does not seem the best way to plan for one's later years.

Here are three reasons why you should avoid telling your client to live where there are affordable nursing homes. That assumes that your client would have to accept living in one.

  1. Abuse from other residents

A recent study of New York nursing homes conducted over one month found that, conservatively, one in five nursing home residents are the victims of abuse by other residents. Rates of abuse were significantly higher when nurse aides have a higher numbers of residents to care for and in dementia units. Most of the abuse was verbal, but some involved hitting (11.3%) or pushing (10.3%) and a smaller percent that were sexual.

  1. Overuse of antipsychotic drugs

The Independent Drug Information Service reports that antipsychotic medications are often overused in older patients in nursing homes, and they increase risk of death and can cause substantial side effects.

  1. Risk of eviction if a client outlives her assets

An expert in the field is Pat McGinnis, Executive Director of California Advocates for Nursing Home Reform. She sees long term care residents who are out of money being tossed out of some homes in favor of residents who can pay the high cost of living there. She stated “there is an epidemic of illegal and unsafe evictions from nursing homes throughout the state and this (referring to an eviction case) is perhaps the worst case I have ever seen. Nursing homes increasingly focus on higher paying therapy residents at the expense of poorer long-term or 'custodial' residents. When residents threaten this profit-making model, they all too often are thrown out illegally.”

There is no question that the complexity of some medical conditions and the need for skilled nursing around the clock makes it necessary for some older folks to live in nursing homes. Every person who plans to retire and is realistically looking ahead must recognize that she may need help one day and that help might get very expensive.

Any professional discussing retirement assets, spending, budgeting and how to stretch a client's money over many years of retirement should include the discussion about the last years and the cost of care. I am an advocate for using every conceivable alternative to nursing homes for planning purposes. Although a few are innovative and patient-centered, too many look and feel like a hospital, not a place to stay long term. Do your best planning to keep your clients at home with long-term care in place.

by Carolyn Rosenblatt, RN, Elder Law Attorney, & Dr. Mikol Davis, Gerontologist co-founders AgingInvestor.com

Smart Retiree’s 10 Point Checklist

Smart Retiree’s 10 Point Checklist

Feb 27, 2017 | aging, long term care

You're in the planning business. You look ahead, analyze, budget and calculate. But your clients may not be on the same page in your view of the future, especially when they retire. They are busy being in denial that they may ever get ill and die. You can help them. In doing so, it may also make your job of talking about such issues as long-term care, budgeting and spending easier.

Many of us in this society have a very negative image about aging in general. We don't want to be "old". It is fueled by advertising on TV, movies, print media and other outlets with a consistent message: aging is bad, being younger and turning back the clock is good. We are a work ethic driven culture. When we are older and no longer "productive" we are generally seen as less valuable.

Then there is the fear and denial about dying and death. Our culture has been called the only one in the world that thinks of death as something optional. Note how we talk about it to family--"in case anything ever happens to me..." Besides it being a fantasy that maybe "something" won't happen to us, it keeps us from planning, from preparing our loved ones and from being responsible about our older years, possible declining health and the burden ignoring these things can put on our families. Reaching retirement age is a time to do planning about more than money.

Most people do not want to burden their loved ones. Most of them do not want to trouble adult children unnecessarily as they age. That is your best selling point for bringing up some important personal matters. These include how every senior and every retiree needs to plan for things in their own lives that go beyond how much money they've saved and how it will be spent having a great retirement. Has your client signed a Durable Power of Attorney document? Given the family all they would need in an emergency? Talked about who should keep the records and stored information all the heirs would need if your client becomes impaired? These are not about money particularly. These subjects are about responsibility and life cycle.

Here at AgingInvestor.com we see the messes people leave behind when they nurture the Great American Fantasy that losing independence won't happen to them and that they will live happily to age 100 and die peacefully in their sleep. Family members can spend years cleaning up the disaster their older loved ones leave because of failure to plan and simply provide access to information. It is truly not fair to anyone. It leads to anger, resentment, family conflicts and sometimes to loss of wealth through ignorance. We've heard it and seen it countless times.

To empower every retiree, we put a retiree's checklist together to help people avoid these disasters created by the fantasy. We want you to help them use it.

How can you do this?

You can give your clients this checklist next time you sit with them and review the portfolio. You can gently urge them to do what the list says is needed. We've broken down the essentials into 10 points, a "to do" list if you will. You can encourage them to take care of the items on the list, if they haven't already. In general, the to do list includes updating the estate plan, having critical documents in the right hands, providing necessary financial, computer and account information to trusted family and having a family meeting to educate one's heirs about the older person's affairs. This is how your client gets a family ready. This is how they avoid unduly burdening anyone. This is how they free their loved ones from distress and unnecessary work when they have to take action as an aging parent declines and passes away.

Some of your clients will brush off your suggestion. They love that Great American Fantasy and aren't about to give it up. Others will thank you as they have thanked us and will go forward. Their families will be forever grateful. You'll look like the caring, smart and responsible planner that you are. Get your free Smart Retiree's 10 Point Checklist now by clicking here.

 

By Carolyn Rosenblatt, RN, Elder Law Attorney, & Dr. Mikol Davis, Gerontologist co-founder of AgingInvestor.com

The Elephant In The Room: Financial Professionals With Diminished Capacity

The Elephant In The Room: Financial Professionals With Diminished Capacity

Feb 20, 2017 | aging, Alzheimer's disease, diminished cognition, elder investor, elderly, financial advisors, handling money for seniors, senior investor

Every profession is facing a common dilemma: what to do about your own impaired colleagues. When there is no mandatory retirement age, there is no one to say, it's time to quit. Do you think a colleague has dementia?

People are living longer than ever, continuing in their work longer than ever and sometimes they start to "lose it" before they decide to retire. As none of us are absolutely immune from Alzheimer's or other dementia, or anything that causes cognitive decline, we all need to consider what we would want if it happened to us.

Would you want a friend or colleague to tell you that you've got a problem with memory and maybe it's time to hang it up and rest? Would you want your legal department to embarrass you and tell you to stop handling other people's money because everyone knows you're no longer competent? It's a frightening thought.

Longevity can be great, but not when you are impaired. As a consultant with expertise in aging, I have seen cognitive impairment to a dangerous level in numerous professionals. One was a trial lawyer colleague, high profile and famous. No one stopped him from practicing law until he had nearly destroyed things. I have seen it in a business owner who founded his company and had been going to the office for 50 years. He was kicked out of his favorite restaurant and was physically harassing employees, his Alzheimer's had gotten so bad. No one made him stop until outsiders (myself and my partner, Dr. Davis) came in and created a plan to prevent him from entering the office again.

I have seen a judge with dementia fall asleep on the bench in the middle of lawyerly argument in court.

I spoke with the sister of a former bank president who had become a financial advisor. He had lost most of his wealth because he could no longer keep track of it and he was being taken advantage of. He was living in squalor before family intervened. During that time, he was still working as a wealth manager.

These are real cases. The message is that we need a strategy and a policy in any office with advisors who work into their senior years, to address the possible impairment that might occur.

There is a way to do this so as not to needlessly embarrass the affected person. There is a way to require that a person with memory loss confirmed by colleagues should step down and give up managing anyone's assets. This should thought out in every office. Clients need protection. It takes construction of a reasoned policy to address the impaired advisor confidentially by first requesting retirement and then mandating retirement if the advisor refuses to go along.

Pilots have a mandatory retirement age of 65. That would not work for many other kinds of professionals. But something has to be done. If you want some concrete action steps to put in place in your office, you will find them in our book, Succeed With Senior Clients, A Financial Advisor's Guide to Best Practices. Get your copy today by clicking here.

By Carolyn Rosenblatt, RN, elder Law Attorney, & Dr. Mikol Davis, Gerontologist co-founder of AgingInvestor.com

Is Your Aging Client Supporting An Unsuccessful Adult Child?

Is Your Aging Client Supporting An Unsuccessful Adult Child?

Feb 16, 2017 | aging, financial advisors, financial capacity, financial elder abuse, financial judgement, handling money for seniors

You may have an older client who has an adult child living in their home. We are not talking about co-housing or multi-generational households folks choose for a variety of sensible reasons. This is not about the daughter who gives up work to move in and take care of your aging client. Rather, this is a somewhat hidden population of adult children who have never quite been able to support themselves.

There may be a mental health issue, substance abuse or other condition which impairs the individual's ability to reliably earn a living. Some of these adults have never succeeded in the workplace. Others have had a setback of some kind and never were able to regain or keep employment afterward. These adult children of your clients may be middle aged, yet dependent on your client for the basics of life: food, clothing and shelter as well as other benefits.

At AgingInvestor.com, we hear from the families, usually the siblings of the adult child who does work yet who receives free lodging and support from the parent. The common thread is a co-dependent relationship between parent and the "problematic" adult child. The parents may feel guilty about the unsuccessful child, they may be intimidated by that offspring or they simply may lack the courage to insist on some other arrangement. You may be thinking, ok, so what's the problem? My client is fine. She has good income. She can do what she wants with it.

Don't draw that conclusion so fast. People are living longer than ever and as clients live on, they may need to liquidate some things to cover their increasing care needs. The family home is one of the things that can be liquidated, especially when assisted living is a better place for an elder client who can't live alone anymore.

The family may agree that your client's home must be sold to raise cash to meet caregiving needs. No one knows what to do with the sibling still living at that home. They won't move out.

Without addressing the issue in advance, this can get ugly. We have seen in the last year alone, several families who were involved in formal legal evictions of the dependent sibling who refused to leave the home. Would your client want that? In other instances, there is a nasty, expensive probate fight going on over the sibling refusing to leave the home even after the parent passes away. The inheritance is held up because the house can't go on the market.

Isn't planning for the future your job? These very unpleasant scenes can be avoided with good strategy initiated by you with your aging clients, about the future of that unemployed adult child who has no plan for what to do next. The family needs to explore every option for the needy sibling. Can he or she qualify for public benefits, such as disability or government-subsidized housing? Do the parents have the means to set up a trust to provide for his or her basic needs? Is there any other option for support? Delving into these things takes time. The social services system can be complicated. The time to start talking with your client about her unsuccessful 55 year old son at home is not on the eve of a crisis. The client who has allowed the situation to go on must be persuaded to make a change before that crisis. No one wants to look at this issue but it can only lead to bad outcomes if it is not explored.

Here are three things you can do now:

1. Find out from any aging client if he or she is supporting anyone. That's basic. Then get more detail. How long has the unemployed middle aged daughter been living in your client's home? What will happen to her when/if your client has to leave her home or sell it?

2.  Connect with your client's estate planning attorney, with permission of course, and see what planning is done for an heir who is not working and does not have a retirement plan herself.  Has your client provided for this need? Is your client's cash going to be tapped for supporting an adult child? Has a trust been set up and what does it allow for your client to do for the adult child and when?

3.  Get advice yourself about what options your client's adult child may have, should your client become impaired and unable to give her offspring support in the home. The county's department of health services and department of social services as well as nonprofit community service agencies are good places to start. Encourage your client to think it through and not burden any other children with an eviction case or probate mess in the future.

By Carolyn Rosenblatt, RN, Elder Law Attorney, & Dr. Mikol Davis, Gerontologist co-founder of AgingInvestor.com